Necessary Testimony

In my earnest quest to attain answers on what i have been going through lately, i have found the Lord leading me to some writings that have truly been eye opening for me, where the Christian walk is concerned. I actually wish i had the time to write an entire series in detail on this stuff, but the truth is, it would involve an incredible amount of plagerism in order for me to effectively convey the word for word teachings in such a way that could make sense and open others' eyes as it has mine. I've been lead to a writing of Arthur Pink's called, "Justification By Faith," it's kind of lengthy, a little hard to understand because his language is much more eloquent than my own or anyone that i know for the matter, nevertheless, he paints the picture in your mind so vividly that you really get understanding through the Holy Spirit of what Christ has actually done for us through His Atoning Sacrifice.

Something i have been studying for over a year now, and is just now seeming to make more sense is "the imputation of righteousness." The reader may be exclaiming under their breath, "the what of righteousness?" lol that is my point exactly! it's in the bible, we read over it in romans frequently, and yet we have never in fact looked it up to see what it really means and asked the Lord how this pertains to us. I never did, that is until i "needed" to know what it meant! Allow me to explain:

As written in some of my previous blogs, i have been struggling with my temper (among many other things where i fall woefully short of the Glory and Perfection of God), and i wonder how i can STILL fail? I have received the Baptism of the Holy Spirit? I love Jesus with all of my heart, why do i still fail and fall, even when i don't want to? I think it is because i have been taught some things, or moreso, assumed some things about the Word and my walk that are not correct. I first thought that i wouldn't fail God anymore once i received Him...whereas when i wasn't even a Christian, i failed day in and out and had virtually no knowledge of God and the fact that i wasn't meeting His standards for life, i didn't even CARE about pleasing Him back then. I'm not talking about that though. So, as i came to the Lord, i was on cloud nine as people say at first. But then, i began to fail in one area or another. And something in me told me that the Holy Spirit was going to do that work and i didn't need to worry about it, just to pray and ask God to help me in those areas. (which was right, totally correct what i was doing and thinking concerning that.)

But then, i starting going to a different church, in search of more truth and more of God. and at this place, i grew more than i ever had imagined in wisdom and the knowledge of the Lord. I received the Baptism of the Holy Ghost at this church, upon which i thought, "ok, NOW i have the power to overcome the stuff i haven't been, (my temper, among other things), and so, if i can just stay 'built up' in Christ, i'll do what is right and not lose my temper (or whatever the case is)." But the truth is, as i read my Word, Prayed, Worshipped, Fasted, sought God on my every endeavor, i still failed. why? so i thought, "well, it's cause i need to fast two days this week instead of one, my flesh is getting out of control!" And in every attempt to keep my flesh under "subjection," i would do ok for a while, and i felt better about it for that week, but the symptoms would still come back...eventually, it may take a week or months, but then it was still there.

When i got pregnant with my son, i couldn't fast anymore, and i found myself in a place i had never been before. My husband and i had followed the Lord out of our comfort zone and into a dry and barren land (wilderness), and we weren't at our old church, surrounded my our church family, i wasn't able to fast....and to tell the truth, i became worse than i had ever seen myself during my "saved life," and i hated who i was and what i was seeing. i'll admit, i even tried to fast a couple of small meals when i was pregnant with my son, but to no avail, i could not silence the beast that was within me. What i found was that my faith had grown from Jesus and Him keeping me and saving me, to my fasting and the attending the church i had learned so much through, and my church family. God was showing me something here.

i began to give up on every effort, one by one, first fasting, then reading my Word, we even tried to avidly pray...thinking THAT was going to help us. In effort to seek God and try to "feel closer to Him," we even "fasted," my husband and i, he would fast food, and i fasted air conditioning in June and July!!! How crazy is that, huh? a pregnant woman fasting ac?! we were insane, but we truly felt like we could not be pleasing to God if we didn't do something that was "righteous" in His eyes...all in effort to live a life that is pleasing to Him.

Eventually the Lord moved us up to Dallas to this church where we were going to be the assistant pastors there. The church was paying my husband a little, (not enough to pay the bills), but we were trying to trust God in this situation, because we felt like He has led us up there to be at this place. And He DID, although, i'm not so sure God was interested in us preaching up there, but rather learning the Message of the Cross, which we found while we were there. And a lot of things made sense to us to some extent and other things really offended us, but we still sought God about them, and the things that offended us...well, they were the things that repudiated all of our own personal efforts to be pleasing to God in His sight...based on what WE DID. It offended us because it punched us right in the pride, which is NOT what church people want when they think they can attain righteousness on their own.

I tell this testimony because it is imperative that the reader realize when i say these things, (i have not ALL knowledge), but through much trial, tribulation, failures, and heartache, i have found this message to be true and every man a liar. God has shown me first hand that the "works of the flesh" and the efforts to "kill or buffet the flesh" on our own are not pleasing to God, nor do they earn us any merit with Him in Heaven. (again, we don't like hearing this, because we as humans like to think that WE can do something that would be pleasing to God, but the truth is, there is nothing we can do that is pleasing in the sight of God, other than to present Christ to God as our Covering).

I'm still learning this message, but one of the most important things i have had to learn first is how deep the fall really was, (which i think we will NEVER truly understand how DEEP the fall was). I've had to learn that every effort to be righteous in God's sight will fail, because there is absolutely positively NO THING that i can do that will please God or be worthy of His Acknowledgment. As a fallen creation, even my very BEST efforts have been nasty, disgusting, and wretched to Him. And that has been a hard thing to accept. And what i ultimately found, was when i had first come to God and thought that if i just prayed about what i was still failing at, He would just one day take care of that thing, i was right about, and had degressed from that place to stratigems of my own to achieve Divine Approval. I had "fallen from Grace" as Paul states in Galatians.

I'm going to mention some things, and then seem to actually move back on the discussion because i feel it is important for me to mention THIS part, and then go back in future blogs and explain it all in more detail.

So, with my constant failing, realizing that i NEED to be looking to Christ and what He has done for me at the Cross, having faith that what He has done has FULLY paid for my sins, past, present and future....well, i'll be honest, i got to a place where i was like, "this doesn't work!" But i have prayed about it and found that God has been showing me that THIS is what contending for the faith is ABOUT! the faith that is spoken about in 1 Tim 6 is to fight to keep my faith anchored not in my fasting, prayer time, or bible reading, church attendance, (which are all good things to know, and are necessary in the Christian walk), but to CONTINUE keeping my faith in WHAT Christ has done FOR ME, and believing that is ENOUGH. Now.....anyone who has ever tried this, well, that is the hard part. to keep your faith in what He's done already, understanding that there is nothing that i can add or take away from it, but rather to simply TRUST God that it is enough...constantly recalling that my old man died with Him up on that Cross, my sins, buried in the borrowed tomb, and that i am RISEN in the Newness of Life THROUGH Christ Jesus, fully paying the price for sin that i owed. Even the BEST that i know, that have served the Lord for their entire lives and walked in this message for a decade, struggle on a day to day basis to maintain their faith in THIS as the "object of their faith," instead of all of their own pathetic efforts, (no matter how good the effort might be).

well, it seems like this blog is getting pretty long, so...perhaps i will start a new one on the next subject. :)